my miscellaneous debris

okay, where to start.

Mentally I'm doing okay right now. Well pretty much okay.

You know how it goes for me… things were pretty mellow then I needed to see a Dr. just needed some bloodwork done and a mole removed - no biggie - but since it's me of course something has to go off course and make it a big deal. Now this is the same doc that my hubby sees. I've been there with my hubby while he sees this doc and the doc is always nice and joking around with my hubby. Well, apparently it doesn't work that way for me. The doc brought up my weight and I told him that that I had gained weight due to the side effects of my head meds. This prompted a lecture from the doc about how I need to own up to my appetite and to what I am eating. He was so into his lecture that he didn't even lay off when he saw that I was about to cry. I'm not sure how I sucked it up and didn't cry - this was the first thing that happened at the appointment.The worst thing about this was that if he'd asked me about it he'd have known that I am owning up to it; I'm doing everything that I can do, it's just so damn frustrating when you're taking a medication that makes you want carbs with sugar. So yeah… let's just say it was all downhill from there. He never said anything that was really over the top rude, it was more that his tone of voice was so fucking condescending and shitty. 

Hubby was trying to make me feel better by saying that the doc must be having a bad day or something. I reminded him that we've been through this same thing before with another doc. All I can figure is that they don't like me because I'm bipolar. I can't figure any other reason.

Let's see, what else.. I started getting depressed around the holidays last year so my head doc put me into a partial day hospital program for 2 weeks. It was okay. I made a friend and she's pretty cool. 

On the friend front S and I aren't really friends anymore. I need to go change my "about me" page. I don't know what happened. She didn't invite me to the thing last November, N did, and when she saw me there she didn't even come over to say hey or anything. She doesn't call or return my call or text messages. I'm still pretty fuckin bummed because I thought of her like a sister and I never would have thought in a million years that she would have dropped me like this. I'm still feeling pretty raw about the whole damn thing.

At some point last year some assholes broke into my car and stole the stereo. Funny thing is that they did the wires back together all nice and everything. I'll try to remember to post a pic. It's actually kinda funny. Oh well…  At least I still have the old one. Hopefully I can find someone to put the old one back in for cheap.

Well, I think that's about it. Hopefully I'll get back into the habit of blogging again. I miss it and it's probably good for me. 

love, girrl88

Okay, I just re-posted some old entries that I had pulled for some reason that I can't figure out right now… Anyway they came out dated today so what I did was change the year to make them both be from last November (2007). I know that's not the right date either but at least it's closer.

Not much going on lately. I've got to go pee right now but am hoping to give y'all a good update later on tonight.

girrl88

Okay, I understand that politics often brings out the worst in people but lately I've been noticing a trend that has really got me pissed off. 

– Just because others do not agree with you does not give you the right to call them "retarded" or "mentally ill" or anything of that nature. First off, it shows that you have a limited vocabulary and poor debate skills. Secondly you are tossing out a label that is degrading thereby playing the push-you-down-pull-me-up game which is a shitty thing to do, it didn't make Hitler very popular now did it. Third, by taking a step into mental health issues you are really opening yourself up to attack by people like me that have been insulted by your stupidity. Just because I'm mentally ill does not mean that I'm incapable of rational thought. 

So here is a great big Fuck You to all you losers that like to talk politics but when things get serious, you resort to name calling of the worst kind. I sincerely hope that none of you ever have to deal with the kind of things that I struggle through. But if by some strange twist of fate someone you know should be effected by mental illness or retardation I do hope that you remember how you used to throw those labels out in anger and I do hope that you will be ashamed.

Wow, lotsa stuff has happened and I have been too lazy to post about it.

- I had my shoulder operated on back in June. I did one round of physical therapy and am going to start on another round as soon as I get over this cold that has been kicking my ass. As per usual my family kicks the cold around and I'm the last one to get it and I get it worse than anyone else. It's sounding like it might be turning into bronchitis - wheee.

My friend GR invited me & hubby to a show (his band was playing) a few months ago. I really really wanted to go but instead ended up having a major panic attack and went home. And yes, I had taken the 1 Xanax I was supposed to take plus another half.

Now my friend MN has invited me & hubby to another show, the super-cool thing is that both he and GR play in the band. The show is this Saturday, Nov 1…  

I want to go so badly, I'm doing everything I can think of to desensitize myself so that (hopefully) it won't be so stressful for me. Tonight hubby and I are going to drive over to the club a few times just to get me used to that part of it. 

Damn, When I read what I just wrote, about how I'm having to have my hubby drive me past the club, it's so fucking sad. What in the hell has happened to me? Where did I go? This isn't who I am. This isn't who I used to be. This isn't who I'm fucking meant to be. 

Everything just feels worse because I'm out of therapy right now. My last therapist was a real digger, she wanted me to go back into my past and "deal with" all of those ancient issues. I remember in my very first meeting with her I tried to tell her that I didn't think that was a good idea but she was so sure that she knew me better than I know myself. The whole time that I was seeing her I made hubby come to the sessions with me because I knew that he would say something if he saw her pushing me too hard.

Ok, time to take some more cough medicine. Peace

Okay, this has been going on since January. See, one day in January I woke up and my shoulder hurt. After 2 weeks when it was just hurting worse and worse I went to the Dr. she gave me a real quick test to see what my range of motion was in my left arm and told me that I had a tear in my rotator cuff and ordered an MRI. 

Well, Medicaid doesn't work that way. They won't let the Dr do what she thinks is right. First I had to go to physical therapy where the physical therapist guy pulled, pushed and twisted my arm around so much that all I could think of was cussing him out while punching him repeatedly in the head/face. He never believed that there was a tear - he kept telling me that I had bursitis. My Doc gave me a cortisone shot in the shoulder, it didn't do a damn thing. Physical therapy guy never understood the amount of pain that I was in and was unhappy that the shot hadn't helped. After a while he told me that I wasn't "responding well" to the therapy and sent me back to my doc. Finally I got my MRI. This was around March/April.

The MRI showed a tear. I was thrilled. (at least now everybody is on the same page) I get sent back to the radiology folks. First I go to the xray department where they have me twist my arm into horribly painful positions and then "hold that pose" while they snap a pic of it. Then I go to another room where somebody has set up a weird xray machine that takes pics the whole time the contrast dye is being injected. So the guy injects the dye and we watch it leak out via the tear for a little bit then the guy tells me that we've got to get me back to xray. I am hustled back over to the xray room again - do the same horrible painful poses and then someone tells me to sit in a wheelchair and I am rolled over to the MRI machine again so they can get a scan of my shoulder with all the dye leaking out of it.

At any rate - here we are. In two days I'll have my second meeting with the ortho surgeon guy. I should have my surgery done before the end of the month. I have a tear and bursitis and an impingement.  Ortho surgeon guy says that he's going to remove the bursa and the bits of bone that are causing the impingement, what he does with the tear depends on what it looks like when it gets there, most likely though he'll just be stitching it up.

And here's the most annoying thing of all… I didn't "do" anything to my shoulder. I don't recall falling down or getting hit or doing anything that could have possibly caused the tear. All I can figure is that maybe I picked up one of the kids and somehow that started everything.